“What He Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Him.”

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” said the cashier in response to me stating that my husband wouldn’t appreciate me opening a store credit card. She said it so sweetly, with a smile, like she has probably said hundreds of times before. I responded with a smile and a simple, “That’s no way to have a successful marriage.” I hoped it was a sweet response. I’ve heard this phrase many times before. I knew she didn’t mean anything harmful by it. For some reason, this time, it really struck me that there’s something wrong with this thought process.

The problem is that little white lies can hurt a marriage.

Little omissions of the truth, little secrets, can all hurt a marriage. It’s commonplace to think that these things can’t hurt. Unfortunately, that’s why it also commonplace for so many marriages to have friction.

The problem is, little white lies create seeds of doubt. They tend to create little compartments or walls (hidden areas) where you can’t be completely unified with your spouse. The enemy is constantly testing marriages to see if there are any areas where he can create challenges. If you and your spouse are completely honest with each other, the enemy can’t get a foothold when he tries to divide you.

Don’t get me wrong. 

I’m not saying that, in the vein of “honesty,” we should be harsh with our spouses or completely dump negative on them. We still need to be tactful and considerate of each other’s feelings. If you have something challenging to say, consider how you would like to receive the information. Also, think about how your spouse would be most open to receiving the information. Different personality types receive information differently, and this sometimes takes some investigating or trial and error to determine best ways to be open and honest with each other.

I (try to) always treat my husband the way I would like to be treated. If I have something to say that he might not receive well or might be especially difficult to hear, I pray about it a few days before I bring it to him. I pray about whether or not it is something that needs to be addressed, and that he is open to receiving my thoughts. I pray to say it in a loving and constructive way that makes us stronger in the end. These sorts of things are usually something more delicate like connection/intimacy hiccups. 

I have found that as my personality has mellowed out a bit, and I am not as reactive to things, I don’t need to work as hard to make sure my message is received well and is portrayed in a constructive manner. I am usually able to communicate challenges within the same day, as long as I am not mad about it and am truly coming at it from an angle of collaboration.

Biggest challenge with complete honesty

One of the biggest challenges with complete honesty between partners is to not ask a question that you really don’t want an honest answer about, or to ensure you don’t get angry with the answer you get. There have been times I’ve asked a question, and he’s asked if I really want to ask that question. (I wish I could remember the example right now, but neither of us can.) There’s been other times I’ve learned the hard way. I asked. He answered. Then he had to remind me that I couldn’t be upset. Because I asked, I need to be prepared to hear the truth, and he’s always going to tell the truth.

Fortunately, my husband typically thinks through his responses before answering. He tries to always respond in a kind way, even if he thinks it might be taken negatively. However, one of the biggest challenges in our marriage was actually because I asked if he thought I was sexy when I was 8 months pregnant. (We will talk about that more in a different post. – To help other marriages out, don’t ask that question when you’re pregnant, and men, just don’t answer that question if you don’t have a simple, truthful, yes. “Attractive yes, but sexy no,” is not a response that will be received well at that time.) 

Back to honesty

There may not be any immediate consequence to a little lie or omission at first. We may think that the little white lie makes the other person feel better or protects his/her feelings. It likely will, in the short term.

The challenge comes later down the road when something big comes up where the enemy tries to divide you. If someone were to accuse your spouse of something big, would you be able to whole-heartedly say that you fully trust your spouse and not give it a second thought, or would you have seeds of doubt that tell you that maybe you should take a step back and think about whether or not what you are hearing could really be true?

Lies create Doubt

I know, in the past, I have heard accusations that my spouse was cheating on me.  The challenge is that we are so whole-heartedly open with each other that it was an absurd accusation. (It was a lie.) However, it would’ve been easy to sit there and entertain the “what ifs” when there may have been examples of little lies to remind me of why I should question him.

Those little lies create a question of character. Jim Rohn says, “Character is a quality that embodies many important traits such as integrity, courage, perseverance, confidence, and wisdom. Unlike your fingerprints that you were born with and can’t change, character is something that you create within yourself and must take responsibility for changing.”

We have always wanted to be sure that we have good, sound character that could be depended on in any situation. This is always the case – whether it is with each other or with other relationships in our life. 

“Put on your new nature, created to be like God–truly righteous and holy. So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body.”

-Ephesians 4:25-26

What are your thoughts? Do you have a policy of complete honesty with your spouse? If not, does it sound like something you would like to start implementing, or is that too unrealistic for your relationship? 

What tips do you have for keeping honesty as a priority with your spouse?