How to Develop Connection and Resolve Conflict in Marriage

Have you ever wondered why you and your spouse aren’t connecting, even though you talk regularly? Do you have a friend you talk to frequently, but you just don’t feel super close to? I think It’s tough when you talk to people often, but still feel like there’s some sort of distance between you. We want connection, especially with our spouses. I hope in sharing my journey in developing connection and resolving conflicts with my husband, it will inspire thoughts on how to develop connection with your spouse.

A good friend asked me recently, “What is a way that you work on your marriage with your husband?” I think the biggest thing we do is make sure we are connecting on an emotional level, not just having conversations. I have found that I like him to hear and understand my thoughts and feelings. Also, we really enjoy discussing things that we each are working on or learning.

It took awhile for us to figure this out. Now, our communication is typically very smooth, so we can easily identify that something seems a bit awry. When we are having a lot of miscommunications or a bit of shortness with each other, I’ll just call it out. “What’s going on with us? We must not be connecting at some level because we aren’t typically this way.” Often times, anymore, all it takes is to call it out, but it wasn’t always that way.

Our Natural Personality Styles Were Not Going to Teach Us How to Develop a Connection

It was a journey getting to where we are today.  You see, my husband and I have very different personality styles and approaches to conflict. My natural personality style is to be driven, direct, and a go-getter. My husband is more of a laid back, peaceful personality style. The challenge we learned right away, though, is that even though he is peaceful, he is also very stubborn. Two very stubborn people can be a bad combination in a marriage, if left to our natural tendencies.

I naturally tend to be open and say whatever I was thinking. I had to learn to not just say whatever was on my mind when it was on my mind. It can often be perceived in a negative way and put people on the defensive, when I do that. I had to learn to be cognizant of the timing and how I was going to come across.

Different Approaches to Conflict Can be Troublesome

I like to work through the conflict right away. I often would plow through it and try to get it over with. When faced with conflict, my husband internalizes and reflects on it while preferring to be alone. He will often leave to do some sort of sports activity to burn off the stress, then having independently worked through his stressors, typically acts as if the conflict never happened. 

Unfortunately, I couldn’t forget the situation happened until we talked through it and resolved it. I believe that if you leave unresolved conflict simmering below the surface, one day, it’ll come to a boil. You may explode at your spouse or you may develop illnesses. I’ve also seen unresolved conflicts create little rifts or walls in a marriage. 

For me, even a small rift or wall, tends to lessen the closeness that I feel to my husband. I try to eliminate them as much as possible because I like being able to share so much with him. The closer I feel to him on an emotional level, spills over into other areas of our marriage. 

I have often heard stories of how one person will realize that they are so far from their spouse that they feel the marriage is unrepairable. I was always working to prevent something like that from happening in our marriage. Two ways that we are trying to defend our marriage from a similar situation, is to make sure no walls build up over time, and we are completely honest with each other (see What He Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Him for that story.)

Figuring Out How to Develop Connection with Your spouse

As I said, I like to face conflict head on and get it over with. However, if I use my natural approach, I can be a bit overbearing, and it is often perceived as hurtful. When I brought up a situation with my husband this way, he would seemingly shut down and withdraw. We have both had to be willing to grow and change to a place that we can work through things together. This was the biggest piece, for us, in learning how to develop a connection with each other.

I had to learn to take some time and approach conflict with care for his feelings and people skills. I try to take some time to respond to the situation instead of reacting. That means, that I try to take my emotions out of it, and respond to him in a way where he is going to be able to hear me and understand what I am saying. 

Respond, Don’t React

The times when I do react to a situation emotionally, without taking the time to approach it calmly, are when we have some of the biggest arguments of our marriage. My emotions don’t give me license to treat people however I want, without regard to how it will affect them.

Responding instead of reacting is an area I am constantly working on with all my relationships. (More on that in a future article.)

My husband had to realize he couldn’t resolve the conflict independently, just because he worked through the emotional stress. Now, he is willing to discuss a situation and his feelings, after he’s had time to think about it and process it. He typically is not going to initiate the conversation, though. So, if I want to hear this thoughts, I need to ask again at a later time in order to gain better understanding.

Fine Tuning the Conversation and Analyzing Where the Breakdown Happened

After we have resolved a conflict, we will often revisit the situation to see where the break down happened. It’s not something that we plan to do every time. Usually a few weeks later, it just comes up in a casual conversation. Both parties are completely over it and don’t have resentment. We take the time to analyze the situation and see it from the other person’s point of view. This helps us to figure out where the break down happened so we can better protect ourselves from replaying it again in the future.

Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (HCSB)

The work was worth it

There may have been some challenging times early in our relationship while we tried to figure out how to develop a connection with each other. All that work has been worth it. I am beyond blessed to be married to a man who I can trust with all my thoughts and feelings. The ability to be completely transparent and vulnerable with him and know that he’s not going to love me less for what I think or feel makes me feel more secure in our marriage.

I pray for your marriage to have such a connection that you can be vulnerable with each other, as well. If you liked this message, please be sure to share it. Let me know what you’ve learned when connecting with your spouse.