Communicating Expectations: A Key to Successful Marriages

Did you know that expectations can be a poison that ruins a marriage? As we grow up, we all have experiences and environments that shape us and our perspectives of the world. The problem is, many of us think that how we grew up is normal. We tend to assume that others think or believe the way we do. We often have an expectation that others know our intentions or our thoughts or reality. Unfortunately, we all have different experiences and see the world in a much different way. Communicating our expectations can be a key to successful marriages.

Expectations always lead to frustration if not communicated properly

This is probably most prevalent early on in relationships. We often don’t realize that we do it, but we expect things to work a certain way or happen a certain way. When people don’t act as we expect, it can set us up for frustration.

When a couple gets married, they often bring these experiences or thoughts into their marriage. Maybe a husband expects his wife to have dinner ready when he gets home from work because that’s what his mom always did for his dad. Maybe she expects her husband to have dinner ready because she gets off work later. If these expectations aren’t communicated, it can lead to a lot of frustration.

The most common of these expectations that I hear about all the time are how people squeeze their toothpaste tubes, how they put the toilet paper on the roll (or expecting them to replace the toilet paper), how chores are divided, responsibilities of the kids, and the list goes on and on.

Our Biggest Unrealized Expectation from Early in Our Marriage

In my marriage, we were fortunate to have similar patters on toothpaste and toilet paper. However, we had different areas we had to work on expectations. One of our biggest misalignments on expectations, early in our marriage, was regarding house cleaning.  Growing up, in my house, my mom cleaned all day on one weekend day (because she worked full-time).  It was usually Sunday.  So, I expected that my husband and I would clean each Sunday. However, he grew up watching football on Sundays. So, he had different expectations for Sundays. (My dad wasn’t a big sports fan, so this was a new concept to me).

I would spend all day on Sundays cleaning the house. My husband would go to a friend’s house and watch football literally all day on Sundays (11am until after 10 pm). As I cleaned the house, I would get so mad at him. I felt that I was stuck cleaning the house all day while he was off having fun. Because we didn’t know any better at the time, we didn’t know that what we were doing was unusual to the other person. My husband certainly didn’t know he was making me angry. Unfortunately, with every hour that ticked by, the more upset I became. (I didn’t know football was an all day thing).

There’s Likely a Solution If The Situation is Calmly Discussed

When we were able to work through the situation, I realized that he wasn’t trying to skip out on helping by leaving to watch football. We discussed where each of us was coming from. Obviously, we quickly realized that I could clean the house a different day, when he was willing to help out. I also concluded that I could go do something fun on Sundays, while he was spending the day with his friends. 

It was a simple solution. However, without discussing it, we had no idea what the other person’s thoughts and expectations on the matter were. We have found that just about any disagreement or misunderstanding in our relationship has come from expectations that we did not communicate first.

Early in Marriage is when most of these unknown expectations based on our past rear themselves

When you first get married, these expectation challenges can be a regular occurrence. That was the case for us. It’s amazing how we need to discuss every little detail in life. That way you understand where the other person is coming from.

The longer we have been married, we find that we have a better understanding of each other’s expectations. However, we still have to work on our communication regularly.

Unknown expectations happen even when you think you’ve discussed it

Just the other day, we had a situation where the kids needed to be taken somewhere on my husband’s day off. I thought I had been communicating that I had something else that I needed to do during that time, so I thought my husband would take them. I had been speaking as if he was taking them every time we discussed it for that week leading up to the day. The day of, we realized that I was expecting him to take them. However, we hadn’t actually discussed it in a way that we were both on the same page.

Unknown Expectations are Poison for Intimacy

Intimacy is another area many couples struggle with unmet expectations because they haven’t communicated thoroughly. This could probably have its own set of articles. However, I want to note it here, for now, as it important for (married) couples to be open and transparent in this area of their lives. This can be an area that causes a lot of division and hurt feelings. This is because it’s so personal and special to the marriage. It always amazes me how much an unknown expectation in the intimacy arena can cause challenges in so many other areas of our relationship. 

We have found that if there are any struggles in that area, it is best to discuss it right away. It never works for us to discuss challenges or expectations in the moment or right after. We usually find a completely separate time to bring these things up. We always try to do it in at a time that we are willing to be vulnerable with each other so we can discuss all expectations and what works for us.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

Phil 2:3-4 (NIV)

It’s difficult to remember that most disappointments are due to unknown expectations. Often times, if we can remember that the problem is likely a lack of communication, we can more quickly resolve the issue. It is important to communicate all expectations so that we can prevent unmet expectations.

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